The Final Embrace of a Weary Traveler

Panlop Samsi

In the drawer of memory, traces of the past remain imprinted. Though they may have blurred with time, if one searches through and gently unfolds them for a cleaning, those images gradually become vivid once more. Tears slowly well up at the corners of the eyes. The clearer the images become, the more it seems she cannot resist the fusion of happiness and sorrow that binds into one, squeezing the lump in her chest and forcing a ceaseless flow of tears.

The first image to emerge is that of a young woman, a nurse at Makarak Hospital. She had traveled to Chiang Mai with friends and met a young man who was just beginning to find joy in traveling on a bicycle, having recently returned from a neighboring country. They met at the large wooden house of Thepsiri Sooksopha—a place brimming with artistic beauty and the dreams of young souls who loved art and exploration.

Amateur Watercolors

In late 1995, the cool breeze in Chiang Mai carried a faint scent of loneliness in the air. Toi sat lost in thought amidst a circle of artists. She was a nurse who loved to travel, but since salaries back then were meager, she ventured out into the wide world by staying at the homes of acquaintances. Whenever she visited Chiang Mai, she would often go to Thepsiri Sooksopha’s artist retreat, as it was always open to wayfarers.

A large-framed man stepped in, looking rugged and worn from travel. He was a regular member of this artistic home, but their paths were only just crossing by chance. That man was "Tor," known to future readers across Thailand as "Binla Sandkalakiri." That night, he had just finished cycling across the Mekong from Laos. In his hand, he carried a freshly painted watercolor in a frame, which he placed down in front of Thepsiri.

"What do you think, Teacher?" he asked Thepsiri with a voice full of confidence, seeking his opinion.

Thepsiri smiled but said nothing, instead nodding toward Toi, who sat next to him, to ask for her thoughts.

"I’m just a beginner... but it’s very beautiful," Toi remarked honestly upon seeing the lines so full of inspiration.

Tor turned to look at her, his eyes hiding a smile beneath a calm and composed demeanor. "Really? Then I’ll give this painting to you."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly. I’d feel too bad," she declined, offering to pay for the frame instead. But he shook his head, true to his reputation as a generous soul. "Please, take it... just, once you get home, take a photo and send it back to show me that I was once the person who painted this."

That painting wasn't just a landscape; it was the first covenant between a young nurse and a writer with a free spirit.

Memories "On the Saddle"

The young woman wasn't sure if what was happening between them was love or something else, nor did she know when it began. She only knew that suddenly, he was in her life. One day, during the early stages of writing his book Lang Arn (On the Saddle), he cycled down from the North toward Kanchanaburi just to see her.

She was caught completely off guard; his arrival was so sudden. She arranged for him to stay at a children's village. There, Tor shared his travel stories with the children and Toi. His voice was deep and vibrant, and his eyes sparkled whenever he spoke of his recent experiences on the saddle. Toi watched the young man sitting before her with admiration. Later, when they were seriously dating and the book project became a reality, she discovered that "his writing seemed to tell stories more skillfully than his own words ever could."

After staying in Kanchanaburi for a few days, Tor invited Toi to travel with him. He had a dream of seeking out rare vintage bicycles to collect. Wherever there was word of an old bicycle being abandoned, or even if they had to rummage through a dilapidated repair shop, he would take her along. They traveled as far as Surin or Ubon Ratchathani. Tor could sit and talk with bicycle mechanics for days just to learn the secrets of a tiny spare part. Toi remained steadfastly by his side.

His longing for bicycles and his identity as a writer led him to start the draft of Took Theeb (Kicked), a new book that was serialized in Matichon Weekly. However, this story was never completed as a collection. One of his articles offended someone who became so incensed that they sent a death threat via Teacher Thepsiri. Toi was the one who kept that letter as evidence on the day his life was being threatened by his own words.

The Bonfire of Ayutthaya

Beyond guarding Tor's secrets, Toi also helped push his hidden talents to shine, particularly his profound interest in Thai and international history.

Once, the hospital where she worked planned an annual staff trip. Opinions were split: the older staff wanted to go to Ayutthaya, while the younger group chose the sea. Toi volunteered to invite Tor to be their guide, knowing he had been studying the subject extensively.

Tor didn't hesitate for a moment. He was excited to test the historical knowledge he had accumulated from reading countless texts.

Even at the meeting point, the tourists were confused. He had scheduled the meetup at the Portuguese Village, which wasn't widely known at the time. The young man, who could read stone inscriptions and Roman script, stood waiting there early in the morning. Once everyone arrived, he unfurled a map of Ayutthaya amidst the silence and the suspicious gazes of the group.

He explained how the Portuguese came to trade, pointed out the Japanese Village across the way, and traced his finger along the map: "Here is Old Ayutthaya, here is the river, here is Wat Phra Si Sanphet, and this is the route the Burmese army took... they sailed, they marched like this."

"The Burmese army came this way... and the city was burned."

Suddenly, he set fire to the map in his own hand! The flames blazed, reflecting in the eyes of the crowd. Toi watched in shock before Tor spoke in a stern voice, "Now, we will go see the ruins that remain."

Tears streamed down the faces of the listeners. Without delay, he pulled them further into the experience by having them travel by boat like foreign merchants of the past, rather than taking a bus to the main sites. He even handed out ancient "Bia" shells in red envelopes to everyone, as if to say that the past is not just for remembering, but for us to feel the pain and the loss.

Enchanted by History, Immersed in Love

This event became legendary at the hospital. The doctors loved it so much that the other group who had chosen the sea switched their trip to Ayutthaya, asking Tor to work his magic as a guide once more.

Afterward, he invited Toi to Lopburi. She didn't refuse. It seemed that as their historical knowledge grew, their love blossomed alongside it.

The trip to Lopburi was because Tor was writing Pleng Phraya Yeaw (Song of the Falcon). He needed to build characters from history, so they visited real locations like the House of Constantine Phaulkon. The story featured eight main characters represented by different animals, each symbolizing different people. Because he needed to gather so much historical data, Tor learned how to read stone inscriptions and studied Roman script until he was proficient. He did this because he doubted whether those who transcribed historical documents had done so correctly. This was the essence of "Binla Sandkalakiri"—when he did something, he researched it exhaustively. Sadly, this novel was never finished and was eventually pulled from his regular column in Matichon Weekly.

Tor's knowledge didn't stop at Thailand; he even volunteered to be a guide for a trip to Egypt. He believed he could tell the stories there, and he did. He helped Toi and her friends understand religion and the transition from polytheism to monotheism. It was a trip they all cherished.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly. They were a couple who went everywhere together, perfectly matched in every situation. But that was because neither saw the shadow of disappointment looming as fame and fortune arrived unexpectedly.

The Missing Chapter

A major turning point occurred in 2005 when the name Binla Sandkalakiri was announced as the winner of the S.E.A. Write Award. Success rushed in, accompanied by an invisible shadow.

He lost contact with Toi, but she wasn't worried. They had agreed to date as rational adults; love must walk hand-in-hand with career responsibilities. When one person succeeds, the other must support and encourage them.

However, it seemed Toi was the only one who thought this way.

Toi discovered a painful truth after learning that Tor was ill and had come to be treated at the very hospital where she worked—and that "someone else" was there taking care of him. An eight-year relationship crumbled with the shortest of conversations.

"Is it true there's someone else?" Toi asked over the phone.

"...Yes."

"Then we're finished."

She hung up and deleted his number from her memory, determined never to look back at that old road again.

Forgiveness and the Return

Nine years passed... On her birthday in 2020, an unfamiliar phone rang. The voice on the other end was distorted and strained, the tongue thick and stiff, making it almost impossible to recognize the man who had once been a guide through countless lands—the man who had hurt her the most.

"Happy Birthday... it's Tor... Tor Binla."

Toi stood stunned. The long-held anger was replaced by a profound pity when she realized he was gravely ill and could barely walk. Tor broke down in tears over the phone. The word "sorry" was uttered repeatedly until silence took over.

"It’s okay, Tor... I have forgiven you for everything."

She told him with the utmost sincerity of her life. She knew he chose to call on her birthday simply to seek mercy from the heart he knew was the kindest.

Toi reassured him that she forgave all that had passed, held no grudges, and that they owed nothing to one another. She said this because she thought Tor was calling to say a final goodbye; from the news and his voice, it was clear his condition was critical. Toi didn't think this contact would be the origin of a breeze from the past that would slowly circle back. She promised that after finishing some important business, she would contact him, and if there was a chance, she would go south to visit him in Songkhla. But in the end, Toi didn't keep that promise, nor did she even call him back. Deep down, she had truly let go of him; there were no lingering ties. An end was an end. The encouragement she gave was only because she thought it might be the last time they would ever speak.

The Ultimate Love is Forgiveness

Destiny, however, was not yet ready for Tor. His final moments were deferred because he wanted to meet the woman who was his first love one last time, no matter how difficult it might be. Tor brought his frail, nearly powerless body to find Toi in Kanchanaburi. By now, Tor seemed to have lost all his "claws," but his strong heart still worked flawlessly. He insisted on not going back to Bangkok with the younger relative who usually transported him, claiming he wanted to stay and talk to Toi, even if it was for the last time.

Toi, with her beautiful heart, could not resist Tor’s pride, and he was too ill for her to push away. She arranged a wheelchair for him and took the man who could barely walk to Wang Yang Resort in Suphanburi, as he requested. She chose that place because it was a site of shared memories for them both.

After Tor left, she felt that the drawer of memory had been partially pulled open. Stories of the past became vivid again, but something in her heart wasn't quite the same. Perhaps it was the passing of time, her own greater understanding of the world, or perhaps because the Tor of today was someone she barely recognized. Her care for him was not that of a lover seeking possession, but of a fellow human being who understood each other's weaknesses.

Tor passed away, leaving behind many feelings and questions swirling in her mind.

"You still love him very much, don't you?" a close friend asked her on a day she was seen lost in thought.

Toi only smiled sadly and looked toward the horizon. "It’s not just about love... but I feel that people make mistakes. We are all common mortals. The ultimate form of love might not be being together, but rather forgiving the things a loved one has inadvertently done wrong."

Tor’s return was not to say goodbye, but to become a beautiful memory for both of them. It was a return to spend the remaining time with someone ready to offer forgiveness.

The winter wind blew through once more, but this time it wasn't as piercingly cold as in years past. In the heart of the nurse from Makarak, the resentment had faded with time, leaving only a great understanding that embraced the weary traveler in the final chapter of his life.

This short story is an experimental piece written based on the stories shared during the talk: "Forgiveness: Not Pulling the Knife Out of Your Back, but True Love," featuring Suichitra Moonkaew and Khamhom Srinok. The event was held at the Vipassanalai Community Library in Pak Thong Chai District on January 17, 2026. On January 31, the library will celebrate its official opening, alongside the launch of the book "La Binla" (Farewell to Binla).

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